A Touch Of the Unexpected

There are several things that I never expected in life that have turned out to be blessings of unimaginable proportions. One of those is the love, fellowship and comfort I have found in the rooms of recovery. I can't imagine any little girl dreaming of her future and saying, “When I grow up I want to marry an alcoholic who will eventually find recovery and we can go to meetings together!” Yet, here I am, 15 years into our marriage, doing just that, and I'm truly enjoying it.

The love was probably the most unexpected. I mean how many places can you walk into a room, not know a single person there and receive hugs and unconditional love just because you're there?! Not many, I'd say, but the rooms of Al-Anon and AA do just that. You are welcomed “with open arms" and loved for who you are, even if you're (and sometimes because you're) not able to love yourself at that moment.

Don't get me wrong, I was petrified when I first walked into an Al-Anon meeting, unsure of what to expect and what kind of people I would be faced with, but the words that I heard, the steadiness of the people around me and the hugs with murmured words of, “Just keep coming back.” made me feel more at ease and completely welcomed. The same was given in the first AA room I walked into with Duckie...I wasn't even a member, but they welcomed me into the rooms with the same love that they had shown my husband.

Which brings me to the fellowship. I've always been known as a “people person” who could make friends with a lamp post if it was the only thing near me to talk to, but I'd withdrawn over the years, not trusting that I would be accepted and even if I was, I just “knew” no one would accept my sullen and often angry husband. I've found more friendship, true camaraderie, in such a short time than I have found in the rest of my life. I'm still learning in little ways and big, what that friendship means...it's amazing and a little scary, but infinitely worth it.

I thought they must be insane to love me and welcome me with friendship so easily; that it would surely go away once they got to know me and found out how annoying I could be. Wasn't that what almost everyone did? But that “insanity” drew me to them like nothing else could...that was all I had known for so long that it was comfortable. As I got to know different people, they didn't draw away, they actually smiled, nodded and said things like, “I did that, too! Didn't it make you feel insane?!” with little laughs at their own craziness. I've never felt so un-judged by so many people in the same place! No one tells me that things that happened were all my fault or what I should have done...they nod, give me encouragement of the future and make sure that I know that things can change if I am willing to let them.

The smells of cigarette smoke and coffee, eerily familiar thanks to a childhood spent at Temple Civic Theatre, add to my feelings of ease. I've met people in both of the rooms who remind me of characters from my childhood in that amazing place. I know you're laughing at me calling people I remember “characters”, but they truly were/are. I heard my first dirty joke at a cast party, I learned how to dance, sing, play cards quietly in the green room so the stage manager wouldn't hear us, how to do props, painting, and the all important making a quick change of clothes by stripping out of my current costume while running through the lobby on my way to the dressing room for the new costume. I, along with many other kids, spent summers there learning at the feet of my mother's best friend how to put on a production from start to finish. There are people that I grew up with at TCT who will forever be my family and, I find, it is the same with some of the people in the rooms of recovery...what an interesting parallel to my childhood. Add that to the list of the unexpected!

My Own Little World of Insanity

So the one thing that my blog should have taught you by now is that I'm a little bit insane. I like to do things my own way and definitely live in a world all my own...the theme music here is FANTASTIC! Today I made Duckie literally laugh out loud when I brought home a collar and leash for our newest cat.

Yes, you read that correctly, I brought home a leash and collar for a CAT. She had unquestionably been an outdoor cat for some amount of time before she came to us and continues to try to dart outside whenever the door opens. I hate to see an animal unhappy and wanted to see if something simple could alleviate her forlorn looks out the window.

The first trick was giving her some kitty crunchy treats while I hooked the collar on her. If looks could actually say something, hers would have been hollering, “What the heck?!?! What do you think you're doing?!” (There would probably have been a few profanities thrown somewhere in there, too.) But she scarfed her treats down before she tried to scratch it off. The next step was hooking the leash to the collar...yeah, she attacked it as soon as it was attached. Rolling around on the floor, kicking at it, trying to paw it out of her way and giving me more dirty looks. When the door opened, she didn't even move towards it, Duckie had to pick her up and carry her outside because I was too busy sitting on the floor, laughing my tail off while I held onto the leash. Once she was placed on the grass she looked around, rolled in the grass, gave the leash an evil look and then lay down in perfect bliss.

I had to carry her back into the house after our playtime outside was over.

I had also picked up some new cat toys while I was in the pet aisle, now Pawsha is tearing around the house flying around the toys, coming back to them and knocking them clear across the room while our other two cats look at her like she has lost her mind. Zoe actually made the mistake of getting too close a couple of times and being pounced....I'm still laughing at Pawsha “attacking” Zoe from behind the curtain to the point that Zoe flew about 5 feet back across the room!!! I can see many little escapes to the outside with Pawsha in the future (and the other 2, also, if I thought they would let me get the leash on them)...who knew a kitty on a leash could bring so much happiness to not only her, but to me as well!?!

So tonight, the theme music in the Land of All Ducked Up is a laugh track and I'm enjoying every minute of it!

Love And The Unexpected

The week of my birthday always seems to bring an amazing mix of love and the unexpected in my life. This week was definitely no different.

As the school year came to a close on my birthday, Troll Toddler ran me ragged with our exploits in the outdoors around the house, amazing wishes for greatness on my birthday (and for a couple of days before and after it), and, as it often does, coming to a close with Father's Day Weekend.

As I said in yesterday's post, my Saturday was beyond measure and left me ready for more family fun today with a cookout at the in-laws. We started the day at our church with one of the most amazing sermons I have ever heard on the Trinity. The Reverend that we have been blessed with in our lives constantly surprises me with the fact that she always has this power to either say something I needed to hear, or something that makes me think. Today was a little of both.

On to the store to pick out our eats for the cookout and get a travel corn-hole board for the kids to play with at the cookout. We had seen a really great smaller version of the game at the beach and I had found out that it was sold at one of the most prolific stores on the planet...we definitely needed something for those crazy kids to stay away from our boards when we are trying to play, so it was the perfect find! For those of you who don't know what corn-hole is, it's kind of a combination of a beanbag toss and horseshoes. I can't stand horseshoes, but no matter how badly I do at corn-hole, I ALWAYS have fun. The rain came in and kept us from playing today, but the kids had a ton of fun chasing each other and getting absolutely FILTHY after it had cleared out. Top that off with a birthday party for my favorite 2 year old nephew and you have a recipe for an phenomenal afternoon!

Now for the touch of unexpected...I came home to a message from my former step-mother. I've kept in contact with her through the years, though very sporadically, and we've been blessed with social networking allowing us glimpses into the other's life, even when we didn't have the time to really talk. I don't know what I expected when I started putting my thoughts out for the world to see...I guess I really didn't give it much thought at all, but receiving her message today helped me in ways that I never would have imagined.

The words that I read, repeatedly, washed over me, giving me warmth and love in the most unforeseen ways. The peace that I have found when dealing with my biological father was reinforced through her insights on him and kind praise of the woman I am. To see her views put out there and know what she has come to believe through her own thoughtful reasoning, to hear it from a place of healing and light...to have that loving gift from her...it adds to the blessings all around me and makes for an sensational birthday week.

The Purest Form of Love is Joy

There are very few days that will ever exceed the joy that I experienced today. Playing at the beach is always one of my favorite escapes, but being there with my kids, nephews, niece and other assorted family is amazing! We each took turns watching the munchkins as they splashed their way into the surf and back out again. The exuberance that they exhibited with every move could not have been more apparent and I loved every minute of it!

I have been to the beach many times with my own children, and when Monster Teen was much younger we went all the time with the whole family, but this was the first time that I have been with all of my nephews and one of my nieces (they're so much younger than my oldest and we don't usually have them all up here at the same time). The most amazing 5 year old in my life had me laughing hysterically as he karate chopped the waves and told them, “YOU'RE GOING DOWN!” My favorite 7 year old niece was riding the waves on a boogie board better than most of the adults on the beach... “I'm not moving until my Aunt [Ducked Up] sees how far up on the beach I got!” My own children enjoyed every minute of their time in the water and on the sand...Monster Teen spent the entire day out in the waves either body surfing or with his boogie board and Troll Toddler was fearless as he plunged head first into the waves.

Today was a gift that I will cherish forever. The laughter left my stomach aching in the most wonderful way, the children's tired (and yet still happy) little faces as we bundled them back to the cars, every single adult enjoying each other's company, the most perfect waves, the humidity low and the rain clouds stayed far away until we were completely done with our day. How could you not enjoy such a day?! I certainly couldn't imagine not doing so...I loved the time that I spent with my favorite red headed nephews, gorgeously blonde niece and the rest of the family!

I'm hoping that the pictures everyone took with my camera, as it was passed around from person to person, will help to show the love we shared today. Because that is exactly what that type of joy is...pure, true, LOVE. It is a love that I grew up enjoying from my own Auntie M, Mom, cousin and sister...just a small portion of the League of Extraordinary Women that has always surrounded me. I hope that my beautiful niece, rambunctious nephews and marvelous children will remember this day as I recall so many beach days on Padre Island with my family.

Acceptance And ADD/ADHD

I took a few days away from writing to enjoy family time and to ponder a something that had recently occurred. I've often felt that my mind didn't work “right”, as I'm sure you've been able to tell from the previous posts, but it wasn't until adulthood that I had started to suspect the real cause of many of my problems. The dreaded words played around and around in my head repeatedly for many years. Only increasing with my son's own diagnosis...Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, more commonly refferred to as ADHD.

I've struggled against the possible diagnosis for years now and laughingly called my lack of attention or sudden flighty behaviors, my “ooooh shiny moments”. As I've aged there has been a stigma around the diagnosis, one that caused me to desperately reach for other options for my behavior, but none has ever really made as much sense as Adult ADD. People around me have had a hard time with my lack of focus on conversations, sudden change of topics, need for “background noise”, jumping from one person to another as thoughts occurred to me, and my high energy. Many don't understand when you say the words ADD because they believe that old stigma: It's not a real disorder.

It is extremely difficult for anyone who has not seen the disorder in action or experienced for themselves to fully understand. We seem like airheaded, lazy, unreliable people who are given to moments of manic behavior...and a lot of that can be true, but it's not the whole truth. Many of us are brilliant in the arts, mathematics and science. We learn things that interest us at great speed and often refuse to give up on a problem that plagues us long after everyone else has walked away from it. But, like all humans, we are troubled by our fair share in life as well...If our disorder is left untreated we are prone to anxiety, depression and/or addiction at an alarming rate.

All of this has been known to me and although I continuously denied the reality around me, laughingly calling out the diagnosis, I researched it and tried to understand how to learn to do things “correctly”. It wasn't until last week when my husband came to me with light in his eyes and the words, “I finally get it! I understand yours and MonsterTeen's ADD!” that I finally let it all sink in.

He had been talking with one of the doctors at the university where he is part of an IT team, the topic the doctor was discussing with a colleague being ADD, Duckie tuned in with great interest. He jokingly referred to my ability to watch TV, play a game, text, and IM all at the same time (and not losing track of where I was in any of those activities). The doctor explained it to Duckie in a way that finally helped him to reason through our differences and help me to accept who I am. “Their brains process at a higher rate than the average human mind,” he explained. “They need more stimuli to achieve a constant rate of thought.” I know, a “duh” moment if ever there was one, but broken down in such a way, coming from someone else, it finally made sense to Duckie.

He's not lamenting at my constant activity anymore, questioning why I can't just sit still for 5 minutes, he's relaxed and accepting of my oddities. By talking about it, putting it out in the open, it became less of an issue for us both. After 15 years together we are still constantly finding new ways to not only surprise one another, but accept each other as well. I am unbelievably grateful to the universe for leading us together.

Recovering An Attitude That Was Lost

Friendship has always been intriguing to me. We often are lead to people who have the same interests, humor or attitude about life, but every once in a while we attract someone who is completely different than ourselves and have a great time. Like any relationship, friendships take time, patience and good communication to work. I've made friends around the world through the years, some I've held on to and others I've let slip away as our paths have separated, our attitudes changed. The ones that I've kept in my life have proven to be some of the most unique individuals on this earth and constantly keep me guessing at what will come next.

I like the unusual...if I know what to expect for too long, it can become boring to my overly Gemini self. There are some routines that comfort me, but they are usually doing the same thing with different results each time. Much like the people in my life, it stays the same at the core, but the topics change regularly. Sometimes it ends up messy, disorganized, but most of the time it's interesting to watch the layers change, shift, grow into something/someone both new to me and yet, familiar.

Over the last few years, I've accumulated a few of these kinds of friendships online. Maybe never actually meeting the person face to face, but enjoying their random hilarity through emails, I.M.s, or status messages. I've found it easier to be myself among this hodgepodge band of misfits, wierdos and geeks that have accepted my unique craziness as much as I've accepted theirs. Never agreeing completely with them, but always enjoying their perspectives on life, the universe and everything.

That is what makes it truly worthwhile, being able to agree to disagree...never harboring ill will towards someone just because they believe differently than you do. I've lived most of my life with this as my main principle...it's really the old Golden Rule way of thinking; “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” “Do what you will, an it harm none.” “Live and Let Live.” I had fallen out of practice with it in recent years with some of the people closest to me, but with learning to truly let go of my willfullness towards others, the feeling of “control”, I have found that relationships are blossoming all around me.

I'm enjoying the company of people that I hadn't gotten along with in years, just by accepting that they're entitled to what they think/feel/do in life. I don't have to agree with it, I don't have to like it, but I sure don't have to react to it either. I've found myself laughing at things that used to drive me up a wall, loving instead of allowing negativity into myself, and using the best phrase ever (“You may be right.”) to diffuse situations that I would have fought to the bitter end on before. As I let go of my “controlling” behaviors and step back from ducked-upitude, life becomes easier, simpler...I see a person within me that I like and friendships popping up all around.

It's amazing what just a little change in attitude can do for oneself.

Walking Through The Fear

As I do on most Mondays, I accompanied my husband the his meeting and as I often am, I found myself surprised at what I learned tonight. The meeting dealt with a story in their Big Book about overcoming fear and there were parts of it that resonated with me greatly.

Fears, both large and small, have been a significant part of my adult life. I worried to the point of agitation over anything and everything. Somewhere along the way it turned to anxiety and then progressed to panic. Most of the time it manifested as nothing more than serious stomach trouble, but as I got older the stomach trouble was often combined with either an anxiety or panic attack. As I listened to the story being read I heard part of my own in the words about how fear transformed this once reasonable person into someone who was fearful almost to the point of reclusiveness. His path diverged from mine when he started to use alcohol as means to just walk through life and appear “normal” and I chose to fight mine with every fiber of my being.

I pushed past each attack with a ferocity that I didn't really feel and the elation that I felt upon achieving my goal was similar to this person's when they had reached theirs. I did very well with most of the mundane things and only continued having problems in the truly high stress moments of my life. When I started practicing my old pattern of avoidance my life once again was lost to the fear, though. I'm striking back again. Working my way back to myself...that seems to be the subject of my posts each day, doesn't it? Remaking myself into someone better...this time, as opposed to the past, I'm doing it for myself; and that's added a new aspect to my fear.

What if what I become isn't what the people around me expect, desire or will even like? What if people turn away from this shiny new woman? What if...What if...What if...I spiral down that well and it leads to self-doubt that drives me away from my purpose. I'm learning to squelch those voices from the broken edit button...driving them out of the dark recesses of my mind. This time is different...I've learned to ask for help and I'm working on becoming the best version of the real me. I'm working to develop friendships instead of pushing people aside out of the fear of rejection.

As I sat through the meeting I listened intently and found myself recalling a passage from a book that I'd read long ago. One of it's movie versions was a favorite of my dad's when he married my mom (this would be my step-dad who's more truly my dad than any DNA could ever say otherwise) and I had become intrigued by it's strangeness...I read the book to better understand it and was carried away by this one passage. It's funny that it came up after being forgotten for so long.

 

*“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” I think I'll be using that with the Serenity Prayer for a while...it seems oddly fitting.

* --Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear - From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series © 1965 and 1984 Frank Herbert

My Education on Communication

One of the things I am best known for is how talkative I can be. For as long as I can remember I've been a motor-mouth of epic proportions, but in all of that talking I wasn't very good at communicating. I could tell you a 15 minute story about something inane, but would never even dream of saying that I preferred to go to Olive Garden instead of Red Lobster. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by going against what they wanted.

It's part of the Curse of the People Pleasers...we do anything for everyone else, even at the expense of ourselves. A lot of the time we please people to the point of exhaustion, anger and/or sadness. Some of us don't even know that's what has caused the pain we are feeling, we honestly have done it for so long that it's no longer a conscious thought.

A year ago I started on the Path of Recovery and started looking within myself to see what could be done with me instead of everyone else. It's not always easy to focus on myself, the Curse is strong with this one, but as I grasp the fact that I do not have any control over anyone else, including their happiness, I also learn that it's okay for me to do the things that I like to do, too. This has led to even further enlightenment in the realm of communication.

As I start to speak up, I've noticed that my inane talking has lessened. I don't feel the need to gibber-jabber about nothing at all because I'm saying what really needs to be said more frequently. I'm less frustrated, happier with myself and that has brought about changes in the way that people around me are dealing with me. Less frustration also means that the harmful, hateful things that erupted from me on occasion aren't escaping as often either. Because it's not just about learning to speak up, it's also learning when to stay silent. Not the angry silence, though...you know the kind that permeates the air around you to the point that it is tangible. No, this silence is an accepting one...allowing myself to accept that the people around me have the right to their feelings just as much as I do.

Now don't let this make you think it's been easy...it's not. You don't change a lifetime's bad habit over night. I must have vigilance and frequent reminders of what I have learned. It takes trust that there is Someone greater than myself who will take care of all of those little (and sometimes big) things that I am not in power of.  So I continue going to meetings, striving to better myself and become the woman I know I can be and then I sit back and watch the relationships that had grown so broken start to heal. I'm laughing more often and enjoying people who used to pluck my very last nerve...because when I stop trying to control the world around me, realize that it can and will keep going without my input on every little thing, it becomes a much easier place to live.  And THAT is worth every ounce of work I've put into it.

A Mother's Love For Her Son or The Future

Love is the power we seek most in this world but it is like a swift little bird that flies just out of reach every time we get near enough to it. Some of us are lucky, we catch hold of it, keep it near to us, safe, precious, beautiful thing that it is...we know it's fragile. It must be nurtured with the softest of touch...and yet, even with that one perfect thing in our grasp, we look for more of it. Try hard to hoard as much of it as we can manage to find. It's when love shifts, moves, grows that we falter in our steps...wonder at the meaning in our world. Army Son left today and took so much love with him to Iraq. His mother, one of my Heart Sisters, is left here wondering what will happen to him and trying to live in the day she's in.

It makes me think of my own son, 14, strong, beautiful, brave and wise beyond his years...what will he do? Where will his life take him and how far away from me? None of us know what the future will bring...it's another of those elusive beasts, always out of our grasp. I try hard not to think too much on it because it is a dangerous beast...not bright and beautiful like Love, but dark and forbidding in my mind. I've had too many years of battling with it and my scars number beyond count. Every once in a while, I just can't seem to help myself and I pick up that sword and step back out on the field of battle once again.

I have so much hope for his future...of all the things he COULD be...I see such greatness in this not so little boy. He stands taller than me now and stares back at me with my own eyes set in a face so much like his father's and yet, so very much his own. It seems like yesterday that he was my 3 year old, crawling in my lap to hug and snuggle me during his favorite cartoon...now he comes to me while we watch dramas on tv, hugs and snuggles me when I cry at something too painful for my heart to watch. He's got my heart, too, but it's balanced by his dad's pragmatism (thank God). He is my Boogie Monster who still enjoys hiding and then jumping out at me from some strange corner that I never know how he fit into, but he is also a young man who knows far more than he lets on about the world around him. I wonder at how he will get to the places he wants to go in life, but I find that I don't worry quite as often about the bad that could come...something tells me that he's going to blow us away by whatever he does do.

Little boy

Strong and wild

Such a daring, willful child

You grew in me

But now stand tall

Above my head

I feel so small

I love you, Son

Your laugh

Your smile

You make life so worthwhile.

--All Ducked Up

June 2, 2011