I took a few days away from writing to enjoy family time and to ponder a something that had recently occurred. I've often felt that my mind didn't work “right”, as I'm sure you've been able to tell from the previous posts, but it wasn't until adulthood that I had started to suspect the real cause of many of my problems. The dreaded words played around and around in my head repeatedly for many years. Only increasing with my son's own diagnosis...Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, more commonly refferred to as ADHD.
I've struggled against the possible diagnosis for years now and laughingly called my lack of attention or sudden flighty behaviors, my “ooooh shiny moments”. As I've aged there has been a stigma around the diagnosis, one that caused me to desperately reach for other options for my behavior, but none has ever really made as much sense as Adult ADD. People around me have had a hard time with my lack of focus on conversations, sudden change of topics, need for “background noise”, jumping from one person to another as thoughts occurred to me, and my high energy. Many don't understand when you say the words ADD because they believe that old stigma: It's not a real disorder.
It is extremely difficult for anyone who has not seen the disorder in action or experienced for themselves to fully understand. We seem like airheaded, lazy, unreliable people who are given to moments of manic behavior...and a lot of that can be true, but it's not the whole truth. Many of us are brilliant in the arts, mathematics and science. We learn things that interest us at great speed and often refuse to give up on a problem that plagues us long after everyone else has walked away from it. But, like all humans, we are troubled by our fair share in life as well...If our disorder is left untreated we are prone to anxiety, depression and/or addiction at an alarming rate.
All of this has been known to me and although I continuously denied the reality around me, laughingly calling out the diagnosis, I researched it and tried to understand how to learn to do things “correctly”. It wasn't until last week when my husband came to me with light in his eyes and the words, “I finally get it! I understand yours and MonsterTeen's ADD!” that I finally let it all sink in.
He had been talking with one of the doctors at the university where he is part of an IT team, the topic the doctor was discussing with a colleague being ADD, Duckie tuned in with great interest. He jokingly referred to my ability to watch TV, play a game, text, and IM all at the same time (and not losing track of where I was in any of those activities). The doctor explained it to Duckie in a way that finally helped him to reason through our differences and help me to accept who I am. “Their brains process at a higher rate than the average human mind,” he explained. “They need more stimuli to achieve a constant rate of thought.” I know, a “duh” moment if ever there was one, but broken down in such a way, coming from someone else, it finally made sense to Duckie.
He's not lamenting at my constant activity anymore, questioning why I can't just sit still for 5 minutes, he's relaxed and accepting of my oddities. By talking about it, putting it out in the open, it became less of an issue for us both. After 15 years together we are still constantly finding new ways to not only surprise one another, but accept each other as well. I am unbelievably grateful to the universe for leading us together.
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