Walking Through The Fear

As I do on most Mondays, I accompanied my husband the his meeting and as I often am, I found myself surprised at what I learned tonight. The meeting dealt with a story in their Big Book about overcoming fear and there were parts of it that resonated with me greatly.

Fears, both large and small, have been a significant part of my adult life. I worried to the point of agitation over anything and everything. Somewhere along the way it turned to anxiety and then progressed to panic. Most of the time it manifested as nothing more than serious stomach trouble, but as I got older the stomach trouble was often combined with either an anxiety or panic attack. As I listened to the story being read I heard part of my own in the words about how fear transformed this once reasonable person into someone who was fearful almost to the point of reclusiveness. His path diverged from mine when he started to use alcohol as means to just walk through life and appear “normal” and I chose to fight mine with every fiber of my being.

I pushed past each attack with a ferocity that I didn't really feel and the elation that I felt upon achieving my goal was similar to this person's when they had reached theirs. I did very well with most of the mundane things and only continued having problems in the truly high stress moments of my life. When I started practicing my old pattern of avoidance my life once again was lost to the fear, though. I'm striking back again. Working my way back to myself...that seems to be the subject of my posts each day, doesn't it? Remaking myself into someone better...this time, as opposed to the past, I'm doing it for myself; and that's added a new aspect to my fear.

What if what I become isn't what the people around me expect, desire or will even like? What if people turn away from this shiny new woman? What if...What if...What if...I spiral down that well and it leads to self-doubt that drives me away from my purpose. I'm learning to squelch those voices from the broken edit button...driving them out of the dark recesses of my mind. This time is different...I've learned to ask for help and I'm working on becoming the best version of the real me. I'm working to develop friendships instead of pushing people aside out of the fear of rejection.

As I sat through the meeting I listened intently and found myself recalling a passage from a book that I'd read long ago. One of it's movie versions was a favorite of my dad's when he married my mom (this would be my step-dad who's more truly my dad than any DNA could ever say otherwise) and I had become intrigued by it's strangeness...I read the book to better understand it and was carried away by this one passage. It's funny that it came up after being forgotten for so long.

 

*“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” I think I'll be using that with the Serenity Prayer for a while...it seems oddly fitting.

* --Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear - From Frank Herbert's Dune Book Series © 1965 and 1984 Frank Herbert