Trial And Error

Simple joys in life are the things that keep us going when times are tough. We can pull the memories of them up and hold them like love letters from the past. The pureness of such a simple emotion as happiness will sustain me in the most trying times...like today.

I've made many mistakes in my life, as have all human beings...to be human is to be fallible, but I can honestly say I have few regrets in my life. After all, when something bad happens you have 3 choices: you can let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you. To be defined by it means to place myself as the victim, a role in which I have never been comfortable. Destruction of myself is not an option, I come from powerful women, we fall, we struggle, but we continue...to otherwise is just not an option because there's still just too much to do. That only leaves growing stronger.

Through what I've learned from life, I had hoped that my child would escape some of the hardships that I had grown up with...especially when I had learned that he shared my ADHD, but things don't always go according to our own plans. He makes mistakes, some of them the same that his mother made before him and some entirely his own. That doesn't mean that he's a bad person, it just means he's human...my job is to see that he learns to not let those things define or destroy him and sometimes that means asking for help. Not just from Duckie, but sometimes beyond that to someone outside our immediate family. It may have taken me a long time to get that through my thick head, but I do know it now...and we're working on it.

Through all of this we have become better parents not only for Monster Teen, but also for the Toddler Troll. It is a part of life, a fact that is sometimes troubling to a parent, that the first child is the “trial and error” child. But, if we do our jobs well, they turn out beautiful human beings not only because of us, but sometimes in spite of us.

So today I remind myself of the beautiful joy that my teen can give me and rejoice in the fact that he has learned at least one lesson that I have given him...mistakes happen, be remorseful in the wrong that you've done, but move forward.

Assumptions Are A Dangerous Habit

I'm a little ticked off today because of something that someone posted on a social networking site.  It's not that I think she really meant to jump to assumptions and belittle people; she's not the type to be offensive on purpose, but she hadn't seen the changes for herself and still blasted people for not liking something that they have every right not to like. It may be a free service, but we don't have to like what they've done to it...we don't have to whine either, but that's another subject for another day. It made me think about other assumptions in life that we make every day and wonder how many of us end up hurting the feelings of someone we love, like, respect because we failed to think it through or look into the matter ourselves.

There is a fabulous acronym in Al-Anon called “T.H.I.N.K.”, that I have been trying to use more and more. It stopped me today from blasting the person out of the water. I'm mean and really good at using my words to cut people down to size when I'm mad, but what would that have accomplished? A lot of hurt feelings and a GIANT step backward in a relationship with someone that I need to keep healthy. So I chose, instead, to take the time to stop and T.H.I.N.K.:  Am I being Thoughtful? Yes, in the respect that I at least took a moment before responding. Honest? Oh, it would've been honest. Intelligent? Most definitely...I am my mother's daughter after all. Necessary? Well, gee...no, probably not. Kind? Not in the least bit! Hmmmm...then it's probably a good idea to get that darned edit button working QUICK! There really are so many things in this world that are just better left unsaid because they don't fall under this simple guideline.

That's the dangerous thing about assumptions, they not only don't follow under that guideline, but they can lead to other people making assumptions which can cause a HUGE snowball effect. Politics and religion are two of the best examples of how that can happen and, for that reason, I don't discuss them with very many people. My views are my own and I respect the people around me enough to know that they have every right to their opinions. Now there are times when I may think that they are truly being mislead about a situation, so I will speak up...But again, am I being intelligent about it? Do I really have all the facts about the situation so that I truly know what I'm talking about? Not just what Cousin Billy said...did I look up the source of the issue and read it for myself? If I haven't, then I don't believe I have any right to speak on the subject. When I regurgitate the information that has been regurgitated to me, I am making assumptions not based on facts and I have definitely not taken the time to T.H.I.N.K.

So today I chose to write out my frustrations in a more productive way...I may not always succeed in T.H.I.N.K.ing before I act, but that's the great thing about life (as another Al-Anon saying goes) it's about PROGRESS not perfection. Because life is not perfect and I'm sure glad it isn't...how boring would THAT be?!

A Lesson From Loss

It's been a few months since our family lost one of the greatest women I have ever been privileged to know, Sheila the Great. Her loss was not something any of us could have foreseen and there are times when we each are still feeling the void that is present in our lives with out this amazing woman. Tonight I felt it in the form of a forwarded email.

It was one of those uplifting ones that people send around when they're thinking of you, but don't have much to say. I've never been big about sending them on, but I appreciate most of the messages and take them for what they're meant to be. This was definitely one of the better ones and it compelled me to send it on to a couple of people because I'm a sucker for the uplifting wishes of joy, love and peace...this one encompassed all of those:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

As I started checking off the people that I wanted to send it to, I saw her name. My breath caught and I couldn't move for a moment. She's been gone since before Easter this year and I can't take her out of my address list, I haven't removed her from my phone contacts and every time I use ancestry.com or do something crafty, I see her face. I only knew her for 13 years of my 34 and yet the void that she has left in my life is real...painful.  That one little moment was enough to start a cascade of other thoughts...

Those that we meet and grow close to in our young lives usually aren't there as we get older, change, grow emotionally (other than the one or two that we cling to or our family). The ones that are there "for keeps" are the ones that mean the most to us and their loss is never easy.  However, in this age of social media, that is changing, being redefined a bit because we're better able to track down the people that flit through our minds from time to time...you know the ones that we would have thought about and wondered whatever happened to, but would've only seen at the next reunion, if we all showed up.  This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, in my opinion, but it does have the power to alter how we change as we age. Where we would usually grow beyond certain people in our lives, we would gradually be drawn to others...because to stagnate in our growth, to be stuck in a paradigm, is to fall into a place where we can easily regress...become less than our potential. The people that we meet in our adult lives have the power to help us grow or regress...we choose which by who we keep and who we let go.

With social media flourishing all around us, we now have a wider audience and a harder time choosing who we let influence us. Do we hold to our pasts? Allow people who we would've let go because of their negative influence on us to stay on and continue that negative flow or do we move forward and purge them from our lives? Is there a third choice of just allowing them to be who they are and not letting it impact us? Maybe it's a little of all of those. To understand and accept that people are free to feel however they want to feel, that I don't have to agree or disagree and I have a choice as to whether I let it upset me or not, is all in my power. What they said is not right or wrong...it's their opinion. How I choose to react to what they say, now THAT is what is right or wrong....THAT is what I can control. Do I react badly and continue the negativity or do I send them thoughts of the very love, peace and joy that I wish for those that I hold closest to my heart? With all of that in mind, the question then becomes: does it really matter who we keep or who we let go as long as we are the best version of ourselves?

Sheila the Great gave me more love, more wishes of peace and joy at a time in my life that I was very hard to love because she understood the choice that we have: continue the negativity or let love reign supreme. So, yes, there will be some people that I will let fall out of my life...it happens--I can't stay positive for long if there's a constant barrage of negativity around me...there will be others that I will keep because I care, but throughout it all I will take with me the lessons that Al-Anon has taught me and that Sheila the Great lived so fully of detachment with love and how to live and let live.  So I think I'll continue to keep her in my contacts for a while as a reminder of those things...and maybe next time I'll smile instead of holding a shaky breath.