Trial And Error

Simple joys in life are the things that keep us going when times are tough. We can pull the memories of them up and hold them like love letters from the past. The pureness of such a simple emotion as happiness will sustain me in the most trying times...like today.

I've made many mistakes in my life, as have all human beings...to be human is to be fallible, but I can honestly say I have few regrets in my life. After all, when something bad happens you have 3 choices: you can let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you. To be defined by it means to place myself as the victim, a role in which I have never been comfortable. Destruction of myself is not an option, I come from powerful women, we fall, we struggle, but we continue...to otherwise is just not an option because there's still just too much to do. That only leaves growing stronger.

Through what I've learned from life, I had hoped that my child would escape some of the hardships that I had grown up with...especially when I had learned that he shared my ADHD, but things don't always go according to our own plans. He makes mistakes, some of them the same that his mother made before him and some entirely his own. That doesn't mean that he's a bad person, it just means he's human...my job is to see that he learns to not let those things define or destroy him and sometimes that means asking for help. Not just from Duckie, but sometimes beyond that to someone outside our immediate family. It may have taken me a long time to get that through my thick head, but I do know it now...and we're working on it.

Through all of this we have become better parents not only for Monster Teen, but also for the Toddler Troll. It is a part of life, a fact that is sometimes troubling to a parent, that the first child is the “trial and error” child. But, if we do our jobs well, they turn out beautiful human beings not only because of us, but sometimes in spite of us.

So today I remind myself of the beautiful joy that my teen can give me and rejoice in the fact that he has learned at least one lesson that I have given him...mistakes happen, be remorseful in the wrong that you've done, but move forward.

A Sitcom Life

My mom once said that nothing bad ever really phases me because I just dance through life, nothing ever really touches me. I actually loved that way of looking at it for a long time, but I'm starting to look at it a different way. I've decided that I live in a sitcom. That's the only explanation for my life that I have been able to come up with.

Yesterday started with what I can only call comical in retrospect and kept getting better as the day wore on. I think that must be one of the Gifts that I've been given; the power to walk away, calm down and then laugh. I know plenty of other people who would still be fuming over waking up to a 3 year old screaming at a 14 year old and honey & ants covering the love seat in her living room because the same 14 year old had left it out after fixing himself a midnight snack; but why? Toddler Troll was trying to kill the ants with the honey. He had no way of knowing it would attract more...his 3 year old brain decided it was a good idea so that's what he did.

Later in the day I asked Monster Teen to please empty the dishwasher. I've tasked him with certain chores as he's gotten older and this was one of the first things that I chose to use for his lesson in responsibility. He's done it now for many years and only occasionally messes up the task by putting something in the wrong place, but, for some reason, yesterday he unloaded the bottom part and left the top un-emptied. I again was in a situation where I could either choose to get upset or choose to laugh. I laughed with full on gusto all the way to his room! When I got there I asked him if there was a reason he had unloaded the bottom, but not the top and he looked at me completely baffled. This only got me to dissolve into more fits of laughter which got him laughing as he went to complete his chore.

There are more items like that which have colored my world and I know for a long time I had lost the ability to find humor in them, but over the last year and a half it has started to shift back. I've found my humor again and am enjoying this crazy sitcom that surrounds me. It makes us all a happier bunch because with laughter around you, how can you be upset with anything for long? So next time you're faced with a unusual situation that could leave you upset, try to find the humor. It will only take a moment to let the smile start and then the laughing will follow if you let it.

A Worthwhile Day

Being the mom of two boys with a 10 1/2 year age gap can bring new challenges every other second and some days even have me pulling out my hair, ready to just take a nap, by 10:30 AM! Today was not one of those days, though. Today was mostly made of the good things that make life as a stay at home mom worthwhile. One of my best qualities has always been that I can take apart the day and remove the bad things, letting only the good parts stay with me. My mother called it "dancing through life" once...I actually love looking at it that way. It's not always easy, and I don't get it right all the time, but today I did.

Monster Teen refused to get up today when I went in to let him know it was noon already. He is, unfortunately, his mother's son with that; he absolutely LOVES his sleep. I've been known to be able to sleep until 2 pm after going to bed at 11 when I was his age (one of the perks to having a single mom who worked during the day was sleeping to all hours of the day). I left him alone because it's really not that serious how late he sleeps and Toddler Troll and I were having a great day together.

Something that I have noticed about the age gap is that Monster Teen is getting to that age where he doesn't like to snuggle anymore. I still get hugs, but NOT in public. Toddler Troll is still in his snuggly love-bug phase of life, so I don't miss it quite as much. (A snuggle may be a snuggle, but one child never replaces another...so I still miss my snuggle time with Monster Teen) Toddler Troll and I snuggle-bugged, tickled, played games and finished cleaning his exceptionally messy room together. Then came his lunch and quiet time after that.

I was surprised that at the end of quiet time Toddler Troll helped pick up his room with no argument...he was actually laughing and happy until I asked him to pick up his "men" (little knights from his castle set that Grandragon gave him). I let him know that it was okay to keep them out if he was still playing with them and we had instant smiles again. Some time later all heck broke loose because Monster Teen decided to "grace" us with his presence.

After ignoring my request for the trash cans to be brought back to the house from the curb and the recycling to be taken to the outside bin, I gave him an hour to get it taken care of and then I turned off the router so he could no longer play Xbox Live. Yep, I'm that kind of mom. Action (or even inaction) has a consequence and one of the things that I think is a large problem in society is that too many children are not given this lesson. He was not at all happy and began to rain his wrath down upon his brother and me to prove just how angry he was. This rewarded him with a talk from me...there was a little more before this, but the tail end was the important part (to me).

"You do know that if you would do what I asked, when I asked, you would have unlimited amounts of free time after, right?"

"You know I'm angry, right?"

"I'm not too thrilled with you right now either, kid, but why don't we both stop the negativity and get some happy in here."

I then left his room, letting him soak in what I had told him. After about 5 minutes, he came out, looked at me and said, "You know you're weird, Mom, but somehow it works for you. I love you!" I was then gifted with the ultimate teenage reward, a hug and we continued our day with much better attitudes towards one another. Everything that I asked for was done and he played nicely with his brother for a while, too.

We had many little moments during the evening that I enjoyed...there were lots of moments of hilarity today, we all worked well together even when we had an upset to get over and now I'm listening to Duckie and Monster Teen watching one of their ghost shows together after Toddler Troll went straight to bed. Yes, I'm a lucky woman and I'm grateful for the reminders to enjoy the little things in life that I was given today.

Mirror Of Behavior, Am I A Good Friend?

You never know what you mean to someone until it's suddenly brought to your attention in a grand way. More than that, you never know whose life you're going to touch the most. I've mentioned before that I suffer from the Curse of the People Pleasers and the people that I actually TRY to please end up being the ones that I meant the least to in the grand scheme of things. That's not saying that we don't enjoy each other's company from time to time or that the friendship doesn't mean anything, but we don't fully appreciate one another. The people that I have meant the most to in my life are the ones that I have just been myself around.

Those are the people that I feel at ease around...I never have to be anything other than myself. I believe that is what true friendship is about; being yourself without fear of judgement. I've only got a few of these kinds of friendships in my life and only a small bit of those count as heart family. I shouldn't be shocked when one of them finds me to be the kind of friend that I feel they are. A serious lack of self worth causes me to never see it coming.

Today was such a case. A dear friend started her own blog and wrote about me and what I mean to her. I've never seen such wonderful things written about myself! I had always hoped that I was the kind of person that she spoke of, but to see someone truly feel that way about me was priceless. Especially since I wasn't trying to impress her or leave any kind of lasting impression...5 years ago she requested me on Facebook because her husband went to high school with me and she'd heard a lot about me. A chance encounter that has led to a lasting friendship...one that I am eternally grateful for.

So what is the point of all of this you ask? It's this: are you being the best kind of friend you can be? Write down what you want out of your ideal friendship and use that list against yourself. Be honest...no one else is going to see it, so why not?! Look at the things that are on that list as the best way to be...because isn't that what we are supposed to do? Treat the people around us like we want to be treated? It's what we teach our kids, but are we practicing it? Because if we aren't the best kind of friend they won't ever learn how to be; because young children learn from example before they ever learn from our words.

Think about that: are you the best example of what you want your children to be? They hang on our every word and imitate us when they play. Haven't you ever heard them talking to their toys telling them how to behave? The way you hear them talking to those toys is how they hear you speak. They are the best Mirror of Behavior in the universe...so make sure what they have to reflect is the best you have to offer.

Turn Your Porch Light Off...Make a Real Difference

This has been a tough week for a lot of people because they aren't happy with a verdict in a trial that they have had nothing to do with other than that they followed it in the news. I will have to agree with my friend, David Wright, that we tend to feel powerless in situations where we have no control and it makes us angry.

Am I saddened that a child lost her life? ABSOLUTELY! Do I think that it is suspicious that the mother told so many lies during the investigation? Darn right! But I didn't hear everything that the jury did and I'm not going to form any full opinions over it. That's just how I roll...sorry if that upsets you, but I refuse to get angry at someone who has an Ultimate Judge to take care of whatever she deserves.

What does frustrate me is that people are putting on their porch lights for remembrance of this innocence lost. It's a nice sentiment, but it doesn't really do anything. David posted a very angry note that describes his feelings on it all...it also gave some very interesting statistics: “Seventy-Three of the One-Hundred and Twenty-Seven (or so) missing American children on helpfindmychild.net have gone missing since the reporting of Caylee Anthony's disappearance in June of 2008.
 
As near as I can tell, an average of more than 700,000 American Children are reported missing annually (it appears that a large number of these are erroneous, but more than 100 of them are "stereotypical" kidnappings - the kind of stuff you see on Law & Order).  Upwards of 200 end in death.
 
There are CURRENTLY 328 missing children in the State of Florida alone.”

So I'm going to follow his lead and say, turn off the porch lights. If you want to do something to remember that poor baby who was taken far too soon, donate the money that you would've spent if you'd left that light on for 6 months to a year to The National Center For Missing & Exploited Children. (If it's a 100 watt bulb and you leave it on for 24 hours that's 2.4 kilowatts. So if you pay about 12 cents a kilowatt for electricity that comes to 29 cents/day or $52/6 months.) Do something with the anger that you feel that will actually make a difference. Stand up for ALL of the children that need our help, thoughts, prayers. Because I like to think that if we all wake up to what we really can do in this world we'd be surprised at the differences we can make.