Oops! Did I Really Just Say That?!?!

One of the things that I've become increasingly more aware of with the passing of time is that grief surrounds us more and more as we age.  It comes in forms that are sometimes surprising, but it deals with the same consistent theme: LOSS.  We grow older and the losses seem to increase; jobs, money, homes, loved ones...it's all there in one form or another and sometimes several at the same time.  It's intriguing to me that we each handle our loss in different ways and yet, it can often be filed under the same seven stages of grief:
 - Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope

Many of us get stuck on one of those stages and find it hard to move through them and eventually overcome them and that's when our friends and family become our greatest allies in a war we never wanted to wage in the first place.

I've mentioned a few times that the edit button in my brain is severely damaged, but it's never more real to me how much damage there is until I'm faced with a difficult discussion...usually one about grief.  I find myself saying things and then wondering, "Was that the right thing to say?" "Did I just put my foot in my very large mouth again?" "GOD! I hope they know I wasn't trying to trivialize their pain!"  Usually it's all in my head, but the thoughts continue to repeat almost every time.  I think this is one of those problems that a lot of us have: the inability to know what to say to someone who is grieving.

We feel lost in those moments, sometimes entirely unable to respond in a healthy way, because the reason has been sucked out of us with a gigantic gale force wind.  We want to make the person feel better, we want them to know that life will go on...but our brains have a giant hole where reason used to be and we forget our empathy.  We forget what it is to grieve in that moment and say or do crazy things that we never would've thought possible in our saner moments of life.

My go to point is usually laughter.  I've been gifted with the laugh of my mother (and her mother before her)...it's not a chuckle or a guffaw, rarely ever is it a giggle, it's usually a round of explosive cackling laughter.  I've been likened to a witch's maniacal laughter more than a few times and have gradually accepted it as a compliment because many of the people who have said it have also mentioned how contagious my laughter is.  This go to point is so wired into my crazy brain that I was recently making a friend laugh at her husband's visitation because I didn't know what else to do in the midst of so much grief...I felt like I was in a waking nightmare through the whole thing and knew that when I'm weighed down, I need to laugh. So there I stood, with a few other people, forming a protective circle around my amazing friend and helping her to refocus after each visitor gave their well wishes and sympathy for the family.  It's not the right response for everyone, but I knew that this one friend, more than any other, needed the laughter.  She is my Laughing Buddy and we've seen each other through a lot of craziness over the last 2 years with our off-branded humor shared mostly through texting because neither one of us likes to call...we're much better having that time to edit ourselves.

But what of the ones that can't laugh through it?  What do I say then?  What does anyone say to make it better?  NOTHING...yep, nothing.  The beauty of the Road Of Recovery is that I finally get that there is not a damn thing I can say or do that is going to make whatever they are going through okay.  Those are the times to just listen...let them talk if they need to, let them cry, let them scream into the wind, but, for the love of all that is Holy, keep your mouth shut!  Platitudes such as, "I've been there. I know what you're going through." “Time will heal.” "It's all for the best." "It's all in God's plan.", will only cause the person to want to smack the living crap out of you.  Or at least that's been my experience...maybe I just say them wrong.

I still say stupid things.  I still feel like I've done the wrong things when someone was just trying to vent their grief or frustration over loss, but the difference now is that I know I can't take it back.  All I can do is look to see if I have caused further injury or pain and if the answer is a resounding yes, then I can make amends, hope they accept and try to move on.  Because that is what I would want someone to do for me...and isn't that the basic principle to live by? The Golden Rule?  "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You"...a simplistic rule for a complicated world, but I truly believe it is the right attitude for me.  If I wouldn't want someone to say something to me during my own time of grief, then I sure shouldn't say it to someone else.

Assumptions Are A Dangerous Habit

I'm a little ticked off today because of something that someone posted on a social networking site.  It's not that I think she really meant to jump to assumptions and belittle people; she's not the type to be offensive on purpose, but she hadn't seen the changes for herself and still blasted people for not liking something that they have every right not to like. It may be a free service, but we don't have to like what they've done to it...we don't have to whine either, but that's another subject for another day. It made me think about other assumptions in life that we make every day and wonder how many of us end up hurting the feelings of someone we love, like, respect because we failed to think it through or look into the matter ourselves.

There is a fabulous acronym in Al-Anon called “T.H.I.N.K.”, that I have been trying to use more and more. It stopped me today from blasting the person out of the water. I'm mean and really good at using my words to cut people down to size when I'm mad, but what would that have accomplished? A lot of hurt feelings and a GIANT step backward in a relationship with someone that I need to keep healthy. So I chose, instead, to take the time to stop and T.H.I.N.K.:  Am I being Thoughtful? Yes, in the respect that I at least took a moment before responding. Honest? Oh, it would've been honest. Intelligent? Most definitely...I am my mother's daughter after all. Necessary? Well, gee...no, probably not. Kind? Not in the least bit! Hmmmm...then it's probably a good idea to get that darned edit button working QUICK! There really are so many things in this world that are just better left unsaid because they don't fall under this simple guideline.

That's the dangerous thing about assumptions, they not only don't follow under that guideline, but they can lead to other people making assumptions which can cause a HUGE snowball effect. Politics and religion are two of the best examples of how that can happen and, for that reason, I don't discuss them with very many people. My views are my own and I respect the people around me enough to know that they have every right to their opinions. Now there are times when I may think that they are truly being mislead about a situation, so I will speak up...But again, am I being intelligent about it? Do I really have all the facts about the situation so that I truly know what I'm talking about? Not just what Cousin Billy said...did I look up the source of the issue and read it for myself? If I haven't, then I don't believe I have any right to speak on the subject. When I regurgitate the information that has been regurgitated to me, I am making assumptions not based on facts and I have definitely not taken the time to T.H.I.N.K.

So today I chose to write out my frustrations in a more productive way...I may not always succeed in T.H.I.N.K.ing before I act, but that's the great thing about life (as another Al-Anon saying goes) it's about PROGRESS not perfection. Because life is not perfect and I'm sure glad it isn't...how boring would THAT be?!

A Lesson From Loss

It's been a few months since our family lost one of the greatest women I have ever been privileged to know, Sheila the Great. Her loss was not something any of us could have foreseen and there are times when we each are still feeling the void that is present in our lives with out this amazing woman. Tonight I felt it in the form of a forwarded email.

It was one of those uplifting ones that people send around when they're thinking of you, but don't have much to say. I've never been big about sending them on, but I appreciate most of the messages and take them for what they're meant to be. This was definitely one of the better ones and it compelled me to send it on to a couple of people because I'm a sucker for the uplifting wishes of joy, love and peace...this one encompassed all of those:

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

As I started checking off the people that I wanted to send it to, I saw her name. My breath caught and I couldn't move for a moment. She's been gone since before Easter this year and I can't take her out of my address list, I haven't removed her from my phone contacts and every time I use ancestry.com or do something crafty, I see her face. I only knew her for 13 years of my 34 and yet the void that she has left in my life is real...painful.  That one little moment was enough to start a cascade of other thoughts...

Those that we meet and grow close to in our young lives usually aren't there as we get older, change, grow emotionally (other than the one or two that we cling to or our family). The ones that are there "for keeps" are the ones that mean the most to us and their loss is never easy.  However, in this age of social media, that is changing, being redefined a bit because we're better able to track down the people that flit through our minds from time to time...you know the ones that we would have thought about and wondered whatever happened to, but would've only seen at the next reunion, if we all showed up.  This is not necessarily a good or bad thing, in my opinion, but it does have the power to alter how we change as we age. Where we would usually grow beyond certain people in our lives, we would gradually be drawn to others...because to stagnate in our growth, to be stuck in a paradigm, is to fall into a place where we can easily regress...become less than our potential. The people that we meet in our adult lives have the power to help us grow or regress...we choose which by who we keep and who we let go.

With social media flourishing all around us, we now have a wider audience and a harder time choosing who we let influence us. Do we hold to our pasts? Allow people who we would've let go because of their negative influence on us to stay on and continue that negative flow or do we move forward and purge them from our lives? Is there a third choice of just allowing them to be who they are and not letting it impact us? Maybe it's a little of all of those. To understand and accept that people are free to feel however they want to feel, that I don't have to agree or disagree and I have a choice as to whether I let it upset me or not, is all in my power. What they said is not right or wrong...it's their opinion. How I choose to react to what they say, now THAT is what is right or wrong....THAT is what I can control. Do I react badly and continue the negativity or do I send them thoughts of the very love, peace and joy that I wish for those that I hold closest to my heart? With all of that in mind, the question then becomes: does it really matter who we keep or who we let go as long as we are the best version of ourselves?

Sheila the Great gave me more love, more wishes of peace and joy at a time in my life that I was very hard to love because she understood the choice that we have: continue the negativity or let love reign supreme. So, yes, there will be some people that I will let fall out of my life...it happens--I can't stay positive for long if there's a constant barrage of negativity around me...there will be others that I will keep because I care, but throughout it all I will take with me the lessons that Al-Anon has taught me and that Sheila the Great lived so fully of detachment with love and how to live and let live.  So I think I'll continue to keep her in my contacts for a while as a reminder of those things...and maybe next time I'll smile instead of holding a shaky breath.

The Day the Writing Stopped

I've been away from writing for too long. The catharsis of the process has been missing in my life and I find that my mind is having problems shutting down at night without it's “brain dump”. Yet, I still hadn't gone back to it. Like a rebellious child, I stayed away and tortured myself by not allowing the good, bad and ugly things to be purged, “talked” through and let go. Then I got a lesson on listening to the messages put in front of me the first time my Higher Power does so.

After thinking about it, wondering what I'd write about (which has never been a problem for this loud mouth before), and just general procrastination, Sunday, September 11, 2011 dawned bright and beautiful. 10 years after a day that I remembered with dread. The week previously had gathered in a fever pitch to this day until it erupted in a moment of horrible anxiety. I still didn't write. (By the way, have I mentioned that I can be hardheaded from time to time?) I didn't even go to the one place that could have offered me solace for the horrible memories of that day because I neglected to set my alarm so that I'd get up in time!

Yesterday started like any other school day and it was a great day full of laughter with my older sister, the Toddler Troll, Duckie, Jfer, and Nubbets. I had absolutely no reason to feel hardhearted in any way and joyfully accompanied Duckie to his meeting where we had a little more silliness before the meeting...and then a strange thing occurred. In all my joy, something that had never happened to me before started taking root. In over a year of going to his meetings on a regular basis I have NEVER gotten judgmental or angry in his meeting...my own is something else to discuss at another time, but never his meeting. I think it's always been easier to listen to the people in there with an open mind because I know I came to learn about the disease from their perspective. I have no views on it other than what I've heard from them...my brain doesn't work like theirs does...so it's easier to accept what they say as their truth. Yet, last night I found that listening to a beginner share got me critical and angry faster than even Duckie had been able to do for a long time. As the next person began to share and the anger kept increasing, I knew this was MY problem, not theirs and I grabbed my phone and headed out to call my own sponsor. (Al-anon has sponsor's, too...it's a wonderful way to keep on a steady course in the program.) When she didn't answer, I kept calling around until I got someone.

This was also a first for me. That darned phone is such a heavy, horrible thing that I usually will rather sit in anger than keep calling for someone to calm me down, but I finally didn't want to be angry last night. I finally understood what everyone has been saying around me in the meetings for the last almost year and a half: “If I'm angry, there is something wrong with ME.” And I needed someone to tell me what the heck my problem was because I couldn't rationalize it out on my own. Thank goodness for my grand-sponsor (my sponsor's sponsor) who gave me the wisdom that I needed. She plucked me out of my loony moment and got me back on track. I was able to walk back into Duckie's meeting with a clear heart and an open mind.

This morning gave me one final lesson that did the ultimate trick of sending me back to the keyboard. The Phillies Phan Reverend posted her sermon from Sunday. The one that I missed hearing. She's not done that before, to my knowledge, being that she can be a “bit of Ludite” (her words, not mine). As I read the message of forgiveness of not only those who hurt us, but of ourselves, I started to let go even more of the burdens that had been weighing me down. The summation at the end of the homily that she wrote was done exceptionally well and one line stuck out because it brought me back to last night:

“Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, and reconciliation is not always possible. Forgiveness means trusting judgment to God, and this is only possible by the grace that comes from God alone.”

So here I am writing about the things I learned about myself and what happens to me when I'm NOT writing...what does it all mean? We all have our moments of self doubt, worry, obsession, judgment and fear where we don't let it out positively; why did this bother me so much? Because when I don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to do so?! If my life feels like chaos and I'm blaming the entire world around me...then it's time to look at myself and think about my part of it all. Writing is the easiest way for me to do this; forgetting that means losing a piece of me that is growing stronger and to forget that piece means I lose peace.

So think about what makes you feel better when your world is turned upside down. Now think of the last time you actually did that thing. If it's been awhile, you might want to start trying to get back to it...it's amazing how great it feels.

One Plus One Always Equals Two

Sorry folks, today you get a little bit of a rant...

After 15 years of marriage I have learned one or two things...I know I still have much to learn, but the years have at least taught me some. One of the things that both Duckie and I agreed to very early on was the need for our own personal space from time to time.

This is something that I have seen a lot of conflict over in other relationships. One or the other person believes that their life must be completely enmeshed with their partner's; that a marriage is the joining of two lives into one. Now this is not to say that some people don't thoroughly enjoy their partner being around them 24/7, I'm sure there is some couple out there right now that it is working for, but the people that I have seen, it doesn't work. One plus one is always going to equal two, no matter how you try to force it to do otherwise. I'm extremely against the kind of "control" that some will attempt in their efforts to prove this to be wrong, though. (And yes, the quotes are there for a reason, there is no such thing as control over another human being.)

You can exert your will on them, brow beat, guilt, manipulate, but eventually it is their decision to either go along with it or not. I don't think anyone can truly be happy in this type of relationship, but that's only my opinion and what I've seen around me. Duckie and I have always kept in mind that we are two different people, living in one space, sharing our lives together, but we remain two people. There will always be things that we enjoy doing with each other, but if we didn't each get our own quiet time, someone would most likely be injured. (That's a joke, but there would definitely be a lot of issues and unhappiness.)

I'm grateful for the time that I get to spend all to myself because it allows me to just be ME--not Mom, Wife, Daughter, Friend--just the Ducked Up Girl. I go to see Higher Briars, to a meeting or just go grocery shopping by myself; without Duckie asking a 101 questions about where I'm going or what I'm doing. Because that is a part of the understanding. I do tell him where I'm going, that's just common courtesy, but he never really questions anything because of our mutual trust and respect of one another. We treat each other well, love each other wholeheartedly and we trust that this is enough...the other doesn't need or want to go do something stupid because we've got someone so amazing right in front of us. If you look at it that way then marriage is really like two roads running parallel to each other, occasionally being blocked from one another by trees, but always knowing that just around the next bend they'll be together again. The twists and turns that our paths take us down on our own make the times together even more appreciated.

Acceptance And ADD/ADHD

I took a few days away from writing to enjoy family time and to ponder a something that had recently occurred. I've often felt that my mind didn't work “right”, as I'm sure you've been able to tell from the previous posts, but it wasn't until adulthood that I had started to suspect the real cause of many of my problems. The dreaded words played around and around in my head repeatedly for many years. Only increasing with my son's own diagnosis...Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, more commonly refferred to as ADHD.

I've struggled against the possible diagnosis for years now and laughingly called my lack of attention or sudden flighty behaviors, my “ooooh shiny moments”. As I've aged there has been a stigma around the diagnosis, one that caused me to desperately reach for other options for my behavior, but none has ever really made as much sense as Adult ADD. People around me have had a hard time with my lack of focus on conversations, sudden change of topics, need for “background noise”, jumping from one person to another as thoughts occurred to me, and my high energy. Many don't understand when you say the words ADD because they believe that old stigma: It's not a real disorder.

It is extremely difficult for anyone who has not seen the disorder in action or experienced for themselves to fully understand. We seem like airheaded, lazy, unreliable people who are given to moments of manic behavior...and a lot of that can be true, but it's not the whole truth. Many of us are brilliant in the arts, mathematics and science. We learn things that interest us at great speed and often refuse to give up on a problem that plagues us long after everyone else has walked away from it. But, like all humans, we are troubled by our fair share in life as well...If our disorder is left untreated we are prone to anxiety, depression and/or addiction at an alarming rate.

All of this has been known to me and although I continuously denied the reality around me, laughingly calling out the diagnosis, I researched it and tried to understand how to learn to do things “correctly”. It wasn't until last week when my husband came to me with light in his eyes and the words, “I finally get it! I understand yours and MonsterTeen's ADD!” that I finally let it all sink in.

He had been talking with one of the doctors at the university where he is part of an IT team, the topic the doctor was discussing with a colleague being ADD, Duckie tuned in with great interest. He jokingly referred to my ability to watch TV, play a game, text, and IM all at the same time (and not losing track of where I was in any of those activities). The doctor explained it to Duckie in a way that finally helped him to reason through our differences and help me to accept who I am. “Their brains process at a higher rate than the average human mind,” he explained. “They need more stimuli to achieve a constant rate of thought.” I know, a “duh” moment if ever there was one, but broken down in such a way, coming from someone else, it finally made sense to Duckie.

He's not lamenting at my constant activity anymore, questioning why I can't just sit still for 5 minutes, he's relaxed and accepting of my oddities. By talking about it, putting it out in the open, it became less of an issue for us both. After 15 years together we are still constantly finding new ways to not only surprise one another, but accept each other as well. I am unbelievably grateful to the universe for leading us together.