The Day the Writing Stopped

I've been away from writing for too long. The catharsis of the process has been missing in my life and I find that my mind is having problems shutting down at night without it's “brain dump”. Yet, I still hadn't gone back to it. Like a rebellious child, I stayed away and tortured myself by not allowing the good, bad and ugly things to be purged, “talked” through and let go. Then I got a lesson on listening to the messages put in front of me the first time my Higher Power does so.

After thinking about it, wondering what I'd write about (which has never been a problem for this loud mouth before), and just general procrastination, Sunday, September 11, 2011 dawned bright and beautiful. 10 years after a day that I remembered with dread. The week previously had gathered in a fever pitch to this day until it erupted in a moment of horrible anxiety. I still didn't write. (By the way, have I mentioned that I can be hardheaded from time to time?) I didn't even go to the one place that could have offered me solace for the horrible memories of that day because I neglected to set my alarm so that I'd get up in time!

Yesterday started like any other school day and it was a great day full of laughter with my older sister, the Toddler Troll, Duckie, Jfer, and Nubbets. I had absolutely no reason to feel hardhearted in any way and joyfully accompanied Duckie to his meeting where we had a little more silliness before the meeting...and then a strange thing occurred. In all my joy, something that had never happened to me before started taking root. In over a year of going to his meetings on a regular basis I have NEVER gotten judgmental or angry in his meeting...my own is something else to discuss at another time, but never his meeting. I think it's always been easier to listen to the people in there with an open mind because I know I came to learn about the disease from their perspective. I have no views on it other than what I've heard from them...my brain doesn't work like theirs does...so it's easier to accept what they say as their truth. Yet, last night I found that listening to a beginner share got me critical and angry faster than even Duckie had been able to do for a long time. As the next person began to share and the anger kept increasing, I knew this was MY problem, not theirs and I grabbed my phone and headed out to call my own sponsor. (Al-anon has sponsor's, too...it's a wonderful way to keep on a steady course in the program.) When she didn't answer, I kept calling around until I got someone.

This was also a first for me. That darned phone is such a heavy, horrible thing that I usually will rather sit in anger than keep calling for someone to calm me down, but I finally didn't want to be angry last night. I finally understood what everyone has been saying around me in the meetings for the last almost year and a half: “If I'm angry, there is something wrong with ME.” And I needed someone to tell me what the heck my problem was because I couldn't rationalize it out on my own. Thank goodness for my grand-sponsor (my sponsor's sponsor) who gave me the wisdom that I needed. She plucked me out of my loony moment and got me back on track. I was able to walk back into Duckie's meeting with a clear heart and an open mind.

This morning gave me one final lesson that did the ultimate trick of sending me back to the keyboard. The Phillies Phan Reverend posted her sermon from Sunday. The one that I missed hearing. She's not done that before, to my knowledge, being that she can be a “bit of Ludite” (her words, not mine). As I read the message of forgiveness of not only those who hurt us, but of ourselves, I started to let go even more of the burdens that had been weighing me down. The summation at the end of the homily that she wrote was done exceptionally well and one line stuck out because it brought me back to last night:

“Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, and reconciliation is not always possible. Forgiveness means trusting judgment to God, and this is only possible by the grace that comes from God alone.”

So here I am writing about the things I learned about myself and what happens to me when I'm NOT writing...what does it all mean? We all have our moments of self doubt, worry, obsession, judgment and fear where we don't let it out positively; why did this bother me so much? Because when I don't like me, how can I expect anyone else to do so?! If my life feels like chaos and I'm blaming the entire world around me...then it's time to look at myself and think about my part of it all. Writing is the easiest way for me to do this; forgetting that means losing a piece of me that is growing stronger and to forget that piece means I lose peace.

So think about what makes you feel better when your world is turned upside down. Now think of the last time you actually did that thing. If it's been awhile, you might want to start trying to get back to it...it's amazing how great it feels.