It's All About The Hope

At the age of 34 I have seen a lot of things that I can't agree with in this world...dead beat parents still make me the maddest of all. I'm not talking about the parents who try their damnedest and the kid still manages to screw up...it happens, we are human after all. I'm talking about those of us who are left behind, wondering what we did to “make” our parent not want to even see us anymore. Because that's how we see it.

Little hearts are broken open and minds are damaged from something that we can't control in life. We try so hard to be good, do right, speak well, be what they want us to be...but the disappointments always come. They don't show up when they say they will, they don't help Mom (or Dad) buy the school clothes we need, they give us that look that says we've shamed them in some way. Little by little, seed by seed, they plant the fears, doubts and self loathing into our tiny little bodies. I've wondered for years if he knew that's what he was doing...if he cared. I know now that he was too selfish to ever have given it a second thought. He is just HIM...there is no inward reflection of himself or what he has done wrong. He doesn't think he has anything to be held accountable for. So what makes me pick that wound again and again? Those damn seeds are worse than weeds...they won't stop growing no matter how many times I chop them down, but I keep trying.

Not so long ago I did manage to kill off a few of those nasty thoughts in my head that creep up from time to time. I no longer sit and wonder if I will one day get the approval that I so desperately wanted all those years...I know it's not coming. There are too many voids between us, too much time, too many hurts...I've grown too far beyond his comprehension of self. The final straw was after 15 years of silence, he said he wanted to meet face to face, to talk. I battled with so many raging emotions trying to make one of the hardest decisions in my life and all the while thinking, “It shouldn't be THIS damn hard to decide whether or not I want to see my biological father.” Yeah, I just kept “should-ing” all over my self. I don't know how sincere his approach really was, though, because he tried to set up the meeting through a message on facebook over the Christmas weekend and when I didn't reply after two days he sent a note letting me know he had written me off for good this time.

The funny thing is, the thing that should have broken me clean in two, set me free in so many ways. I still have a lot of the fear and self doubt, it's not going to change over night, but I don't have to sit pining away for what I now know will never come. He's not capable of being the man I want him to be...I had unreasonable expectations. But the things that I've gone through have led me to be the woman I am today...a little neurotic, a lot of fun, and a mom who tries very hard to make sure her kids know EVERY day that they are loved. My mom tried, too...but like too many young girls, I didn't listen so well. The only time these hurtful thoughts even come up these days is when I hear about one of the “other kids” going through it.

See my Heart Family is made up of sisters and brothers who have kids and I love them just as fiercely as any of my neices or nephews. A while back one of them told me some things about how he felt and what he wanted to say to HIS dad who was right there in the same house, but the gap was still there...his mother's the dead beat, his dad just has some issues that include communication gaps. I told him that he'd know the right time, but not to wait until it was too late...sometimes it's better said than left unsaid, no matter how hard it may be to get it out. We talked over a few other things and I let the matter drop. His dead beat mom said some very hurtful things to his dad, untruths that the Other Kid couldn't let hang in the air. He finally told his dad how he felt. I'm so proud of him because I know how hard that must have been. He gives me hope that the damage really can be repaired when one or both of our parents are “less than”...he's lucky that his step-mother is a gigantic greater than in his life, that he has a lot of people around him that love him and he's got his listening ears on. “Hope springs eternal” and he is part of my hope for the future.