It's All About The Hope

At the age of 34 I have seen a lot of things that I can't agree with in this world...dead beat parents still make me the maddest of all. I'm not talking about the parents who try their damnedest and the kid still manages to screw up...it happens, we are human after all. I'm talking about those of us who are left behind, wondering what we did to “make” our parent not want to even see us anymore. Because that's how we see it.

Little hearts are broken open and minds are damaged from something that we can't control in life. We try so hard to be good, do right, speak well, be what they want us to be...but the disappointments always come. They don't show up when they say they will, they don't help Mom (or Dad) buy the school clothes we need, they give us that look that says we've shamed them in some way. Little by little, seed by seed, they plant the fears, doubts and self loathing into our tiny little bodies. I've wondered for years if he knew that's what he was doing...if he cared. I know now that he was too selfish to ever have given it a second thought. He is just HIM...there is no inward reflection of himself or what he has done wrong. He doesn't think he has anything to be held accountable for. So what makes me pick that wound again and again? Those damn seeds are worse than weeds...they won't stop growing no matter how many times I chop them down, but I keep trying.

Not so long ago I did manage to kill off a few of those nasty thoughts in my head that creep up from time to time. I no longer sit and wonder if I will one day get the approval that I so desperately wanted all those years...I know it's not coming. There are too many voids between us, too much time, too many hurts...I've grown too far beyond his comprehension of self. The final straw was after 15 years of silence, he said he wanted to meet face to face, to talk. I battled with so many raging emotions trying to make one of the hardest decisions in my life and all the while thinking, “It shouldn't be THIS damn hard to decide whether or not I want to see my biological father.” Yeah, I just kept “should-ing” all over my self. I don't know how sincere his approach really was, though, because he tried to set up the meeting through a message on facebook over the Christmas weekend and when I didn't reply after two days he sent a note letting me know he had written me off for good this time.

The funny thing is, the thing that should have broken me clean in two, set me free in so many ways. I still have a lot of the fear and self doubt, it's not going to change over night, but I don't have to sit pining away for what I now know will never come. He's not capable of being the man I want him to be...I had unreasonable expectations. But the things that I've gone through have led me to be the woman I am today...a little neurotic, a lot of fun, and a mom who tries very hard to make sure her kids know EVERY day that they are loved. My mom tried, too...but like too many young girls, I didn't listen so well. The only time these hurtful thoughts even come up these days is when I hear about one of the “other kids” going through it.

See my Heart Family is made up of sisters and brothers who have kids and I love them just as fiercely as any of my neices or nephews. A while back one of them told me some things about how he felt and what he wanted to say to HIS dad who was right there in the same house, but the gap was still there...his mother's the dead beat, his dad just has some issues that include communication gaps. I told him that he'd know the right time, but not to wait until it was too late...sometimes it's better said than left unsaid, no matter how hard it may be to get it out. We talked over a few other things and I let the matter drop. His dead beat mom said some very hurtful things to his dad, untruths that the Other Kid couldn't let hang in the air. He finally told his dad how he felt. I'm so proud of him because I know how hard that must have been. He gives me hope that the damage really can be repaired when one or both of our parents are “less than”...he's lucky that his step-mother is a gigantic greater than in his life, that he has a lot of people around him that love him and he's got his listening ears on. “Hope springs eternal” and he is part of my hope for the future.

The Power of Family

Families are made up of a multitude of personalities, races, genders and appearances. This doesn't make them any less of a family, it just makes them different...much like the rest of the world. That's right, different. Abnormal, exceptional, unique...the list can go on for a while, but it all boils down to the same thing: there is no such thing as “normal”; especially in a family. We may have the same nucleus as other families: Mom, Dad, two kids, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc; but we've found that the heart can love people outside the “traditional” family titles as much as the ones that are more conventional. Sisters and brothers of the heart is what we call them. This weekend has been full of that family.

A Saturday trip to the beach condo with Higher Briars and her cousins was at the start. Monster Teen hung out at the pool while Toddler Troll and I hung out at the beach. Hours of silliness ended in all of the kids playing in the condo while the adults talked. Higher Briars is, most assuredly, a sister of my heart...we each accept the other, “warts” and all. She's one of only two women that I've ever trusted completely with the real me. That person inside that we hold in reserve because we're not sure that anyone can really accept the total package. I never have to hold back with her; I laugh loudly, speak my mind, and never for a second worry that I'll be judged for anything I feel is a deficiency in my personality. THAT is family.

It doesn't have to be defined by blood relation. It's a feeling deep in your heart that says, “You belong.” Duckie and I have been questioned on this feeling many times in our 15 years of marriage, but even more so within the last year. The Land of All Ducked Up has received a Path of Recovery and there have been a few people who have been added to our list of family along the way. People who mean the world to us and have been instrumental in developing that Path of Recovery to it's full potential. We spent the entire day with them yesterday starting with watching one of them get baptized at their church and ending with a barbecue/pool party with several others.

A cook out with some of the blood relations will end this long weekend and we'll love every minute of it, too. Where once I may have dreaded an event with some of them, I now revel in it...I've learned that their “warts” aren't as bad as I had made them out to be and their beauty is absolutely worth every ounce of my love.  They have the power to lift us up when we are sad, love us until we can love ourselves, laugh with us, cry for us when needed and never give up on us.

We have such a phenomenal cast of characters in our mixed up world and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Wake Up and Smell The Childhood

Today I took my two boys (ages 3 and 14) to the beach near our home to meet up with our friends at their family's condo. The beach is an experience that I only had a handful of times growing up and so I definitely revel in being able to take my children as often as humanly possible before the jellyfish come out to play. That's part of the beauty of being a parent, sharing something we loved from our own younger years with our children. It brings back the memories of Padre Island, my mom and aunt laughing together as my sister, cousin and I play in the sand or water. Many of us have had moments like that; happy instances in life where we acted silly, laughed hysterically and will forever remember. That is the legacy that my mother gave to me and that I in turn hope to pass on to my children.



My 14 year old decided to leave the beach and hang out up at the pool with his buddy. So I enjoyed a day of experiencing life through the eyes of a 3 year old. He laughed at the seaweed washing up on the shore, throwing it back in the water with great glee; told the little crabs to “GO! GO AWAY! GO BACK IN YOUR HOLES!” because he didn't like the way they looked; and joyfully plunged into the waves. All the time that we were there another family was not too far away from us; a mom, dad and 3 children. As I laughed at my precocious toddler I was also aghast at the fact that the mother sat in her beach chair next to one of the children playing on a DS the entire day! The dad got out in the water with the other two kiddos who were consistently ignored by the mom when they called out to her.



I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the best mother in the world...I may not even rank in the top 100, but I do have a couple of firm rules when it comes to family time.

These rules have been put into place for several reasons and the greatest of these is that we only have one childhood. Our kids are kids for such a short amount of time and then they run off to become mouthy teens who don't want to hang out with mom and baby brother at the beach. If we don't get them out of the DS and on to the beach, why the heck did we even bring them with us?! Get active with them, relive that moment that you loved WITH them. Let them dunk you in the water, bury you in the sand and chase you down the beach with their sandy little hands formed into monster claws. Let go of everything that is stressing you out and take an active role in their day. Get down on their level, wake up and smell the childhood that is still alive inside of YOU! I did and I have the sunburned spots where the sunscreen was missed to prove it! I also have a Monster Teen who enjoyed getting a day away from his mom, came back to me with smiles, hugs and an, “I love you, Mom!” and a Toddler Troll who was so worn out he fell asleep 5 minutes into our car ride home.



Yep, I think we've made some great memories today.